Monthly Archives: February 2012

Grow Your Heart

February 14, 2012 in 3Day, adhd, Asperger's, Autism Spectrum Disorders, Parenting

I have a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. Actually that kind of rings true for every commercialized holiday/event. I love the fun, the excitement, the look of surprise and joy in my children’s eyes when they are doted on by friends and family. But I hate how the “lack of doting” can actually play a part in shaping a child’s self esteem or self worth. For example, Santa only has room on his sleigh for one gift per kid and he owns and operates a toy shop not an electronics warehouse. Imagine how “Johnny” must feel when Santa brings him something from the dollar store while his friend “Sarah” from school got an ipad. It’s heartbreaking that Santa would play favorites. From loved ones gifts are just that, thoughtful and loving gifts…but Santa carries with him messages of worth (or lack thereof). Since I am standing on my soap box, I also think we should standardize the going rate of Mystical Creatures (the Tooth Fairy, Leprechauns, Easter Bunnies, etc) and offer parent / family subsidies if so desired. Which brings me back to Valentine’s Day.

Right now, I adore celebrating Valentine’s Day with my kids. Right now, I can write lipstick messages on the bathroom mirror and surprise them with small gifts because its fun. Right now, I can tell them I love them and give them hugs 1000 times more often than they would normally tolerate. Right now, they get to exchange Valentines with classmates but the rules are that if you exchange them, you have to exchange them with EVERYONE. Right now, I love that they feel special, loved, cared for, thought of, and appreciated. This is what I love about Valentine’s Day right now.

But with love comes hate. Not hate for the holiday, but hate for how miserable this “holiday” can make some people feel. Last year, I read an article written by Matthew Readman who is a very bright teenager with Aspergers. For Valentine’s, his school sold Candy-grams for 20 cents each, Matthew bought a few for his friends and he bought little teddy bears that he gave to EACH girl in his class because he didn’t want anyone to feel left out. He wanted everyone to feel cared for. Then the Candy-grams were delivered to his classroom, Everybody got a Candy-gram and some people got several of them. Everybody EXCEPT Matthew. When I read his story my heart sunk down to the depths of my toes, and I shed more than a few tears.

I won’t lie, when I read this I projected. I looked into our future and saw the potential of my kids coming home in tears because they felt that NO one loved them, at least none of their peers. While this could easily happen to either of my children, Squidget is at higher risk. While he is extraordinarily thoughtful and loving he is also quirky, and historically that hasn’t played out well for a lot of kids.

I relate to this story because Squidget and Princess Jellybean both made (by made I mean bought, selected, and addressed) each Valentine with sincerity and affection. Squidget in particular really tried to relate the variety of his cards to those who would receive them, “Girl X would LOVE this one because she really loves Tinkerbell, and Boy Y’s favorite Star Wars character is Yoda, so I will give him that one”, my point being was that there was a real effort to make them special and that is a quality that I treasure immensely.  I LOVE how much they care about others and I just want them to grow up and have their hearts be filled as fully.

Time to lighten up, for Love’s sake. I am enjoying today and what is NOW, and I have time to consider the myriad of ways to handle what might happen in our future. Right now I will enjoy this day because of the extensive smiles and hugs I received this morning and the joy of overhearing my kids ponder the lipstick messages on the mirror with delight. There is also my restored faith in humanity. After Matthew’s post last year, there was an outpouring of support offered to him. He responded with A Big Thanks from Matthew Readman. While it did not change what happened to him it did give him some warm fuzzies to call his own.

Since I have a difficult time hating anything I have decided to reclaim Valentines Day to my own liking. It will remain a day to remind my loved ones that I really do love them, but I am now invoking the Grow Your Heart 10 Sizes rule. It starts by doing unto others what you would have them do unto you and unto your kids. Be kind, make decisions from love not fear, practice random acts of kindness. When your heart is huge, Cupid’s arrows have a much better chance of reaching it. :)

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Oh the Irony…

February 3, 2012 in adhd, Asperger's, Autism Spectrum Disorders, Balance, Parenting

You know the minute someone says “hey this is going great” that it is time to put on your protective gear…..especially when you have kids. It is the reason that I try to leave a kid-friendly party or social engagement shortly after I discover the peak of the event has come. Leave when things are good so the memory lives on in absolute positivity.

My husband called me on Monday during his lunch and made the comment, “Squidget’s in a good cycle right now don’t you think?”  Yes, yes he was and then Thursday came. OK I am not implying that Mr. T is in any way a factor in what followed but I like to make fun of irony so there.

In truth, 95% of Squidget’s Thursday was exemplary. He had a field trip at school during which he managed himself quite well. We just had 30 minutes of chaos right after school. That in and of itself would not be so bad if 500 other students, their siblings, their caretakers, and teachers were not there to witness it all unfold. A miscommunication gone horribly wrong. Last week Thursday, Squidget thought he was going to Mad Science, (an after school program) when I showed up to pick him up he was very sad that I had not signed him up for it. The truth is that the program was too expensive for us especially when sign-ups were at Christmas time.  Additionally, I am not convinced that he can handle staying at school for another 90 minutes especially when there is no one there to assist him AND following two straight days of after school therapy sessions. Regardless, when this came up last week I PROMISED him that next time the program was offered that we would talk about it and do our best to get him signed up.

So yesterday I went to pick him up and he never came to the door. When I looked a little closer I saw that he was in the Mad Science Line. My heart sunk and my eyes started to water – I knew I was in trouble. The classroom-dismissing teacher (not his primary teacher) apparently asked Squidget if I signed him and his response was yes. So when Squidget and I made eye contact he started to cry and scream “Mom, I am going to Mad Science, you promised that you would sign me up”. He then came outside and was exhibiting a lot of unsafe behavior. I was physically holding him down trying to talk him through it. Physically holding him down because there are a LOT of kids of all sizes running around and a steady stream of school buses within 3 feet. Holding him down because I don’t want him to hurt himself any more than I want someone else to be caught in the crossfire of his rage. At some point he got away from me and being a little slower now both physically and emotionally, I felt fortunate that another teacher managed to slow him down until I could catch up.

And this is where tragedy turns to triumph. You have to realize that the whole time this is going on I am trying to keep an eye on Princess Jellybean and a potential run-away stroller that is playing host to my phone, my keys, and my wallet. When I turn to make sure that PJ is not running through the parking lot  or taking another kid on a joyride while I sequester her brother I meet eyes with two of my dearest friends. Both of whom manage to let me know with just a glance and a few words that they’ve got me covered. One runs home to get her car while the other reassures me that PJ will remain in her safety. Simultaneously Squidget’s teacher helps direct us into her classroom where she gives us ample room to work through this horrible misunderstanding. Horrible because I completely understood why he thought he was going to Mad Science and even MORE horrible because I couldn’t do anything about it – we just had to go. Once we got in the classroom it took us 5 – 10 minutes to pull together. When we left I found PJ happily playing with our friends. Squidget joined them on the playground where they all ran off some steam while I soaked up the sun (when it is sunny in Oregon in February – we worship) with two of several women I am blessed to call friends and honored to call family. A year ago, recovering from this would have taken the better part of a day. Right now Squidget can figure it out in under an hour. I won’t pretend that having a child on the spectrum isn’t hard sometimes, or that I didn’t have mascara running down my face after I (unsuccessfully) tried to hide my tears. It is hard. But there is joy in hard. In hard you know and trust your friends and family; in hard you learn; in hard you find measures of success previously unknown; in hard you really enjoy sunshine; in hard you appreciate laughter; in hard we grow and I am thankful.

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