OK, I feel as though I owe some sort of explanation for last weeks post. I was stressed out, emotional, worried, disappointed, and in general feeling as though I had failed on a personal level.

I think many of us grow into adulthood with some notion of how we might make the childhoods of our children different from our own. People have different reasons for feeling this way: for some it might be offsetting overly liberal ideas or overly conservative ones; for another it could be breaking a negative cycle such as poverty, domestic violence, or addiction; it could be redefining the rules about gender or emotion health; and for a few it may be the desire to correct an epic parenting fail.

I have two sets of amazing parents who have loved me deeply and who have done what was within their power to help me become the best version of myself; but much of my early life was dictated by the kind of crisis and trauma that managed to take my self esteem hostage for the better part of two decades. The culmination of events in my life left me feeling lost and without any idea of what I was capable of. Circumstance was the wild card that stacked the deck against me. When you add poverty to misfortune you’ll find my “one thing” that I wish I could change for my own kids: opportunity.

Because I cannot actually determine how my life would differ if this or that happened (or did not); I cannot say with certainty or merit that I would have found my way more effectively or at a younger age. However, my mind has created the fantasy that if I had been given more exposure to certain things; I might have become a stronger individual and perhaps found a healthier path to follow much earlier in my life. There was no money in the budget for organized sports, dance, scouts, or extra curricular activities on a long term, regular basis; and that has always felt like my missed opportunity. 

So now we fast forward to the lives of my children. One has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), while the other is neurotypical. This dynamic creates a very delicate balance for me to maintain. I have to provide for their unique needs; and financially this means denying many of their wants, and tougher still, denying the things that I want for them. As our medical and therapy expenses are quite steep, we have had to forgo many activities and groups that I was hoping to involve them in (swim lessons, dance class etc). While this has been very tough for me, I’ve been working through it until last week when a tiny little piece of straw broke my back.

We had to pull Princess Jellybean (PJ) out of a preschool that we really love (for the upcoming school year). The salt in my wound is that I know Squidget gets a disproportionate amount of our families resources and that gives me crazy mom guilt. However, I know that if Squidget’s world is healthier and more controlled, the same follows for the rest of the house. What is good for him is good for the family, but that logic didn’t help me last week. And while we did find another wonderful preschool option for PJ, my heart was super achy.

I think most families who have children with special needs struggle trying to make each of their children whole. The only way I know how to do this is by addressing the individual needs while working to ensure that each child feels special and loved in their own way; and if there is anything left over, circling back to indulge a want now and then. I can handle not having the things that I want for myself, because I know I’ve always gotten what I’ve needed. But it is harder to see clearly the difference between what they actually need and what I want for them AKA what I think they need. I know that PJ will adjust well to changing schools, in fact, I am certain that this change is much harder on me than her. I also know that I didn’t fail PJ, just as my parents did not fail me.  We are all OK. It took several family members and a few friends to talk me off the wall last week and I am SO thankful that they managed to ground me.

You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need

A special shout out to the Rolling Stones for helping me put my big girl britches on.