Monthly Archives: July 2011

Growing Up

July 26, 2011 in Asperger's, Autism Spectrum Disorders, Parenting

Princess Jellybean is turning 4 this week. How did this happen?  Ok, it doesn’t feel like yesterday when she was born but it also doesn’t feel like 4 years should have passed. She was so itty bitty coming into this world at a mere 5 lbs 8 oz, and now I can barely hold her for more than a 5 minute stretch. Turning 4 is bittersweet: it is the metamorphosis from toddler to little girl; a time when the exploration of her personality transitions into how she will define herself; a phase that sheds light on all the things she can be; it’s when I realize it’s all happening too fast.

Although I  usually feel as though life is moving at top speed, there have been a few milestones that have proven otherwise. While some kids are late to potty train, get off the bottle, give up the security blanket etc., PJ was slow to give up her gee-gee’s (AKA pacifiers). So maybe I won’t get mom of the year, but it won’t be the first time I’ve lost that nomination and I am OK with that. As my kid’s pediatrician often says, “they won’t go to Kindergarten doing ___”. The truth is that most age related milestones happen within a broad range of time and since one of my kids is on the spectrum our family has missed a few milestone targets; but I’d hardly say we are any worse for wear. For both of my kids, they’ve managed to get where they need to be when they were good and ready; doing so with big success and little-to-no regression. So, I’ve allowed the gee-gee’s to overstay their welcome. In part because PJ’s obsession with her gee-gee’s was limited in that she didn’t take them  to school, friend’s houses, or out to eat; it was mostly a security device for sleepy and inconsolable times. Another reason is because I have weird parent guilt over making many Asperger’s related considerations and personalized plans for Squidget. I just felt that I could give her a little more time with a soother especially since our house vibe carries a little more anxiety and stress than that of “regular” folks. I’ve had open and honest conversations with PJ’s pediatrician and dentist, and after determining that there would be no irreparable damage or harm by having the gee-gee’s; we all agreed to let her have them while we mastered our plan.

So about that plan, it wasn’t a big scheme, and (surprisingly) it did not involve any bribery. It was simply, “when you turn 4”. For a few months, we’ve been telling her that when she turns 4 she’ll need to pass along her gee-gee’s to her cousin K-Rock (she gets all her hand-me-downs, and PJ LOVES this notion).  We practiced and planned to say farewell to the gee-gee’s the day following her birthday. Then last week Sunday we had a family birthday party for her. When she woke up that morning she asked me, “Is today my birthday party? Is K-Rock coming?” I responded with a yes on both counts. She looked at me and said, “I’m giving K-Rock my gee-gee’s today because I’m 4!” With no sadness or hesitation in her voice, I decided in that moment that her actual birthday was in fact 10 days early. We collected the gee-gee’s, washed them and set them aside for her cousin. When the time came for K-Rock to leave, PJ handed off her precious bag of gee-gee’s saying goodbye to them and K-Rock with the same affection.

Expecting this to be a very tough transition I admittedly kept a broken (tipless) gee-gee on standby as I was especially worried about the date discrepancy coming into light. She went to bed that night without mention of her gee-gee. I waited for it, but it never came; not that night, not that week, not at all except in casual conversation highlighting the fact that K-Rock is now the proud owner of her gee-gee’s. Now my only roadblock is figuring out how to address her actual BIRTHday.  Since I’d hate to pass up a legitimate reason to eat ice cream, we’ll keep it low key and go with some sort of “birthday week” reasoning.    This is a moment to celebrate because I am really proud of her for making it through  another milestone! It’s also a moment to enjoy for its ease and simplicity (yay me)!

Happy Birthday Princess Jellybean… I love you!

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Philosophy: Is A Walk On The Slippery Rocks

July 19, 2011 in 3Day, Asperger's, Autism Spectrum Disorders, Balance, Parenting, Uncategorized

So I can only say this with certainty about myself, but I have heard enough testimony from others that I believe it safe to say that parenting is comprised in part of extremes. One minute you are beaming from ear to ear because they are being so cute, generous, loving, and affectionate; then within the hour you want to cry out of frustration because getting through to a (insert age here) year old regarding safety, manners, kindness, social cues, etc has proven far more difficult than expected. While one moment in time reveals love, content, and happiness in its purest forms; the next shows us fear, sadness, disappointment, or worry as we try to guide and protect those we love most. Amplifying this is the added component of a child on the spectrum. At least for us, coming back to the middle takes longer, requires more caution, and tests the limits of my “quick” thinking.

 

A few weeks ago Squidget and I were trying to work through a tantrum when he uttered some pretty agonizing words, “Mom, you are not nice; I am going to have to kill you”. Deep breath, another deep breath, OK one more before I respond. Knowing that my child doesn’t actually mean these words does not give me much comfort. I just have to keep remembering that it isn’t personal, nor is it a hidden agenda in his 6½ year old brain; he is just really mad and we’ll have to get through it.  After I choked back my own tears and took a few more deep breathes I asked him (in my best calm and collected version of myself), “do you know what happens when people die or are killed? They go away forever. Remember when Lucee died (our old beloved dog)? She went to heaven and she watches over us, but we haven’t seen her since she died and we won’t see her again. So, I am curious, is that what you meant when you said that?”  Expecting that I would have to elaborate on the subject, I was working through the dialog in my mind; I was thinking of ways to explain the myriad of reasons why it isn’t OK to say those kinds of things to anyone, much less those you love. I was about to begin, when I looked up at him and saw that he was crying – BIG, huge crocodile tears. It took a little while for him to speak coherently through the sobbing but he finally said, “No, I didn’t mean it! If I killed you, you would die and I wouldn’t have a mommy and other people would and I would be so sad”. Then he ran into my arms and snuggled into my lap. We talked quietly, logically, and lovingly for a bit of time; then he apologized and we just moved on.

 

Fast forward one week. There I was sleeping peacefully at the crack of dawn, when I was woken up by a snuggly Squidget. He crawled into bed with me and asked, “Mom, how did Lucee die?” I rubbed my eyes and quickly glanced around to see if my husband had installed the IV caffeine drip I keep requesting; apparently, that is still in production. Half-asleep and de-caffeinated I still knew that I had to answer this question wisely. Any unexplained detail, over emphasized word, or misinterpreted sentence could result in irrational fears, an obsession with death, or an unending barrage of questions about the meaning of life. I told him that Lucee was pretty old for a dog. I explained that all living things die eventually but usually after living a long and wonderful life. I also told him that she was sick: not sick like the flu, but sick like cancer. Then Squidget asked me what cancer is. Squidget knows that I am an active participant in the SGK Breast Cancer 3Day so it seemed natural to explain to him why I walk and who I walk in honor of: loved ones we have lost and loved ones whose fight we are supporting. I explained that there are cures (aka “medicines”) for some cancers but not for others which is why raising money for research is so important. So far so good, then I told him that  both of my grandmothers died of cancer. Regrettably he misunderstood me and thought I said his grandma’s, not my grandma’s; lucky for me that mess was closer to  “clean up on aisle 3″ as opposed to one requiring a hazmat suit – whew  (that was close). I went on to tell him that EVERYONE’s life is really precious; and while most people live a full and long life, some people’s lives are a little shorter than we would like.  I explained that it is yet another important reason to be kind and take care of the people in our lives. He looked at me and said, “Mom, I am always gonna take care of you because I really love you a lot. I’m gonna take care of my whole family.” After a heartfelt squeeze, Squidget seemingly satisfied with my explanation hopped out of bed like a lightening bolt and went about his business of building stuff with Lego’s.

 

Just like that, two extremes collide; the peak and the valley meet at sea level. A moment filled with peace, reflection, a sense of balance, and the knowledge of knowing no matter how difficult the climb, we can always get to the other side. Unwittingly ready to face the next cliff with strength, wisdom and better equipment.

 

*Thanks to Edie Brickell for the singing title :)

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I Love It When a Plan Comes Together*

July 12, 2011 in Parenting

My friends often joke about my organizational OCD and I usually have it coming. In general I have plan A, B, and C and just for fun I like to throw in spontaneity, flexibility, and catastrophe contingencies for each. Yes I actually plan for the latter and yes that is an oxymoron; but when something works well, I go with it. I have committed to bringing my friends great comedy material and I get free laughter therapy just for showing up; it’s a win-win.

Actually while the above is true, I do have several other reasons for nurturing my mild (and self proclaimed) OCD. For starters it helps me get things done: personally and professionally my to-do list gets crossed off. But beyond that I find it to be therapeutic and one of the best ways to help me think outside of the box. Throughout my life I have come across a number of road blocks. Being that I am a cup-half-full kind of gal I am usually able to stay positive and find a suitable detour. However, there have been times were I feel stuck: most often it occurs when several things happen in a row that cause feelings of anxiety, stress, worry, and/or defeat. You know when one or two things aren’t so bad, but 10 things put together knock you on your bum. On occasion this has even caused me to wallow in self pity asking questions such as “why me/us” or “why are things so (seemingly) easy for them and so consistently difficult for me” or “did I really piss someone off in a past life?” But every time I hear myself rambling on with such useless chatter I stop with a quick flick to my own head.

 

The reality is that everyone should be allowed some time to absorb what is happening in their lives, to grieve if necessary, to heal, and to move on. For me, it isn’t so hard or even that bad to feel stuck now and then as long as I don’t dwell on it and utilize my mad skills to find the detour. Wanna guess how I do that? Planning, organizing, thinking, and then more planning and organizing. The process is calming and I find that making the effort to find solutions no matter how far fetched, opens the doors for problem solving. Brainstorming is good mental exercise. Perhaps an idea that flies out of my mouth is completely preposterous but maybe an element of that idea has merit or an angle I had previously not seen. Generally speaking there are few things that are insurmountable. More often than not we just need an alternate view. Now I can’t claim that my OCD nature alleviates all of my stressors because I still have one child on the spectrum, and another who is pushing 4 and many of my buttons; we also have financial strains and other things in the mix but I CAN claim that my “gift” helps facilitate the doer in me.

 

Knowledge is power. Acceptance of said knowledge fuels the power. Making a plan and putting it into action turns the ignition on. And there I go; fleeting despair and finding alternate routes enjoying the unexpected delights. Oh how I love a plan and a contingency plan and a plan for another plan should I need one. Ridiculous? Maybe. Content? Most certainly. How do you navigate the roadblocks?

 

* “I Love It When  a Plan Comes Together” ~ Hannibal, The A-Team*


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Parenting Best Practices

July 5, 2011 in Parenting

Parenting is anything but easy. It can be filled with moments that are richly rewarding, full of pride, joyful, thoughtful, and loving; but that is always matched by experiences that prove humbling, frustrating, exhausting, or leave you with a complete loss of what to do next. Everyday is a crap-shoot and some parents consistently display admirable parenting skills; and I for one appreciate those parents because they inevitably help me to be the best parent I can be, and they are raising kids who will grow into responsible, thoughtful, hard working adults.

Personally I do not define good parenting by the amount of TV a kid watches (or doesn’t), the level of sugar in a child’s bloodstream, the quantity or quality of toys that a child possesses, or even how a child behaves at any given moment. As a parent I know full well that TV time often equates to mommy having the opportunity to take a shower, or that ample treats may mean potty training is evolving into potty trained. While I aim not to spoil my children, I feel blessed when their grandparents indulge them; and as I am no stranger to behavior that is deemed “unacceptable” – how “bad” behavior is handled makes a profound difference.

Having the benefit of being surrounded by many moms and dads whose parenting techniques I value, I’m going to share my short list of parenting strategies that work exceptionally well:

  • Discipline and Consistency: there are several ways to execute these concepts and whatever way works for your family IS the right way to do it for your family. The trick is doing it, especially when you are having a tough day. I know sometimes the day is long and the burdens are heavy and it seems easier to give in to a child’s demands for the sake of temporary sanity. But the reality is that every day has the potential for toughness and in the long run life’s necessary lessons will not be learned if you don’t discipline consistently. Kids NEED boundaries, rules and consequences. If they don’t learn that the rules DO apply to them they are far more likely to turn into adults that might be more difficult to be proud of. **DISCLAIMER – leniency / hall pass on this one is totally acceptable when the family gets the flu and other illnesses.**
  • Praise when praise is due. If your child does something positive TELL them. For starters if they only get negative attention that is all they will seek; and secondly in the same way that kids LEARN what is wrong, they LEARN what is right – it is not necessarily intuitive.  Plus, taking the time to point out what a child is doing well does wonders for their self esteem at every age!
  • Set the bar high. Don’t settle for mediocrity. When I say that I am NOT referring to assets, clothes/fashion, or luxury items… PLEASE live within your means. What I am referring to is finding your own personal path to success with hard work and integrity and expecting the same from your children. With this however it is important to keep your expectation realistic and reasonable. For example some kids struggle with certain subjects like math.  They may be applying themselves and working incredibly hard but still not “getting it”. Recognize it for what it is and don’t assume that they are not trying hard enough – sometimes it IS the teacher, or the teaching style; when their best falls short look for alternative methods to help them. And for kids like mine who struggle with behavior and body regulation; we have to go about things non-conventionally all the time but I always expect them to do their very best in any given situation.
  • Teach your kids manners and the basic rules of respect. Do this by example and by requiring that they say please, thank you, excuse me, I’m sorry, and so on. Do it with everybody: waitresses, friends, store clerks etc… require that your kids do the same when a service or exchange takes place for their benefit. When they are young it may seem like they are are just repeating what you ask them to, but as they grow older their words will be full of meaning and good will.

 

I do have a long list but these are the basics that will help our children survive every stage of their lives. I am proud of my children and I want to utter those words for the rest of my life: through every grade, through college, through many terms of employment, while they commit to a life partner and while they raise their own kids. Fostering responsible, respectful, happy kids will greatly improve the odds that they will mature into adults of the same caliber. With that said, I do know a number of VERY good parents whose grown children are on paths not congruent with their upbringing. This can happen because of mental and physical illnesses, because of circumstances beyond anyone’s control, and/or because of a series of bad choices. I have a good deal of empathy and compassion for these parents because  more often than not, they did everything right.

 

I just want to say thank you to all of the moms and dads who work hard at being good parents. I love and appreciate the inspiration and collaboration that you bring to the table. I tip my hat to you, and leave you with a few of my favorite parenting quotes.

It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself. ~ Joyce Maynard.

 

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.  ~Haim Ginott

 

Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.  ~Robert A. Heinlein

 

 

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.  ~Abigail Van Buren

 

 

 

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